A Psalm of Praise

Psalm 30
Lord, you lifted me out of my troubles.
You did not let my enemies laugh at me,
so I will praise you.
Lord my God, I prayed to you,
and you healed me.
Lord, you lifted me out of the grave.
You let me live instead of joining
those in the grave.

Praise the Lord,
you who are loyal to him!
Praise his holy name!
He was angry for a little while,
but he was kind and let me live.
Last night, I lay crying,
This morning, I was singing for joy!

When I was safe and secure,
I thought nothing could hurt me.
Yes, Lord, while you were kind to me,
I felt like nothing could defeat me,
I was filled with fear.
So Lord, I turned and prayed to you.
I asked you to show me mercy.
I said, "What good is it if I die
and go down into the grave?
The dead just lie in the dirt.
They cannot praise you.
They cannot tell anyone
how faithful you are.
Lord, hear my prayer,
and be kind to me.
Lord, help me!

You have changed my crying
into dancing.
You have taken away my clothes
of sadness
and covered me with joy.
You wanted me to praise you
and not be silent.
Lord, my God, I will praise you forever!

Postscript: For anyone who stumbles across this blog still floating in the blogosphere, I wanted to post this tribute to God. This really is the final post!

I am still catching up on personal correspondence, but will announce my new blog at some point. If you would like to be in on that, email me. Many thanks to all who have been an encouragement to me during this time. Most of all, I give thanks to God who lovingkindness is forever!

Epilogue

As promised, my dear friends, blogosphere neighbors & guests, anyone who loves God, laughing, olives, or who just happens to be reading random blogs today, I am back to make one last statement about olives and answer a few questions.

The statement first. Ready? Olive olives.

Weren't ready for that, after all? Never mind, on to answer a few real (and imagined) questions...

You should really consider blogging from time to time rather than just cutting it.
Yes, I did consider that, and I've done just that for the last few months in order to finish out my six month commitment to blogging (which I made to myself). I agree with Todd's view that a blogger should be master of their blog:

Blogging may be lighter this week. This month. This semester. As before, I will be the master of my blog and not allow the blog to be the master of me. So if that means 5 posts a week or 2 posts a month, that’s what it will be. Thanks for understanding. Todd Bolen

So, why did you stop blogging?
Oh, same as why I started blogging—lots of reasons.

When I started blogging, I decided to commit to certain length of time, then review. After my two month re-evaluation, I decided to continue blogging, after my six month re-evaluation, I didn't. Neither decision was easy, but they were both made before God and with a lot of factors taken into consideration, including advertising offers from the other green fruit.

Did it have anything to do with lack of comments?
No, pretty early on I realized that unlike real life conversations, blogosphere audiences seem to enjoy monologues on a regular basis without any felt need to indicate they are listening or give a response—until it stops. Then they ask for more. Fascinating, really.

And, anyway, blogging was a hobby. I'd be pleasantly surprised if anyone enjoyed or benefited from it more than I did.

What are your hobbies now?
Well, I've had to find new hobbies that suit my physical limitations. Stamping cards and Sudoku are two I've gotten into a bit. I did my first Sudoku puzzle this week and I'm hooked!

I rarely feel well enough to get bored, but I think it's important to keeping exploring, learning, staying engaged in life and growing as a person. Hobbies help with that. So I push myself to do something besides healthcare 24/7. Like with blogging—hobbies are exhausting, but worth the effort.

How do you plan on keeping in touch with people?
The old-fashioned way—dialogue. Talking. Correspondence. Visits.

Blogging, for me, was a way of keeping in touch with a lot more of my friends and loved ones than my health would have otherwise allowed. I always saw it as a poor substitute for personal interaction, but better than nothing. I feel really thankful to have been sick in a technological era in which that was possible.

Now that I am feeling a little better a little more of the time, I want to start catching up with everyone personally. Lotta correspondence to respond to and thankyou's to send, thanks for understanding.

If ya want to cut in line for your turn, email blog me at atimetwolaugh {at} yahoo {dot} com.

If yer just as happy hearing from me in mass forms (mass email, blogging), let me know & I'll let ya know if I send out an email update or start blogging again.

Will you ever blog again?
I hope so, I'm already toying with ideas for what that could look like.

Unless my health declines significantly, I won't consider blogging again until it can be in addition to—not a substitute for—the personal relationships I value.

It's going to take a while to get on top of my correspondence since I still have a lot of limitations and my healthcare needs have taken a lot more of my time since moving to California. All the doctor's appointments and the rehabilitation process (including arm-twisting & leg-pulling).

For your two month re-evaluation, you did a reader poll. Why didn't you do one for your six month re-evaluation?
Good question. The poll was a factor then, but not the sole basis for my decision to continue blogging. This time around there were other factors and questions that played a larger role.

But your thoughts on any of the following questions, welcome.

How long do you think friends can remain friends if their interaction becomes limited to reading each other's personal blogs/mass email updates? The inside scoop without any personal interaction?

Is keeping in touch by blogging (as I have) ever better than dialoguing? Would it be just as good or better if I chose to blog over dialoguing in written or spoken forms? Which do you prefer? Why?

If a blog is posted in the blogosphere and no one is around to read it, does it communicate anything?

The trouble with the blog is that we can get updates without having to respond regularly - which has been a blessing to people like me who really want to know how you're doing, but it can make me complacent about the need to feed back. And I must admit that it's easier not to have to find something intelligent, encouraging and un-intense (i.e. not just "here's what I've been doing this week.
My response to this friend who also said that it was fine to write infrequently as long as I kept blogging (whereas I feel that for the friendship to continue, the dialogue must continue), ...and here I was feeling soooooo badly because you sent me that lovely birthday card and I haven't thanked you for it yet... I thought for sure I'd lose all my friends if all I did was blog.... and here I thought everyone would be happier to hear from me personally...

I think it is important to express and receive the care and interest that is often implicit to dialogue, and someone who is sick and isolated appreciates that all the more. People's comments on the blog and emails have meant so much to me, and I've regretted not being able to do much by way of reply except to keep blogging. But blogging ended up being a blessing in other ways even if I haven't had a chance to express yet how much I appreciated hearing from you, and want to hear more about how you're doing.

As for trying to figure out what to say to me...really, just tell me what is going on in your world. It's encouraging just hearing from you, don't worry about knowing what to say about my situation. I often don't know what to say about it, either, and I'm sure you feel the same way about some of your own challenges. So, just tell me that you're crushed or elated over who made it to the Super Bowl, or that your baby just learned to stand, or you just learned how to make sushi, or whatever you would blog about, and we'll go from there.

Will you leave your blog up so it can continue to be available?
I plan to take it down in a month or so, but it will probably still be available in cache long after I want to admit to writing parts of it.

Are you going to keep writing?
Absolutely. Blogging was just a way of sharing something I was doing already, and continue to do. Only now, I've discovered that presentation can be as or more fun than the content.

Of course, there is also all my correspondence I need to catch up on. I think of it like taking blogging to the next level...making it personal and tailormaking it to each individual.

Alright, end of conducting my own interview. Thank you so much for visiting my corner of the blogosphere, it's been lovely having you. Thank you soooo much for your prayers, encouragement, and I'm delighted if through this blog you got some of the same. Especially if you love God more. Or olives.

Whether we've never met or you're someone I've long known and cared about, this is goodbye to blogging—not you. I'm not going anywhere! In fact, I'm actually inviting you to hang out with me anytime via Skype, phone, mail, whatever. Now that I'm feeling a little better a little more of the time, I hope we get more of a chance to chat. Well, speaking of chatting, I've chattered on an on here and I really must go now.

So, listen to this...baaamm, baaamm, baaaam.

That was the sound of me officially hanging my Gone Fish'n sign on this blog. Gonna go get a big one!

A Time not to Blog

Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything. So if there is a time to blog, there must also be a time not to blog.

Blogging has been a great hobby these past six months. I never would have guessed that I could enjoy writing, or that I could tell awful puns and get away with it. Maybe that's why you're the only reader left?

Deciding not to continue this blog does not mean that I'll never blog again. Nor does it mean that I have lost my faith, lost heart, lost my sense of humor, or want to lose contact with you. In fact, I'll be keeping my email address atimetwolaugh {@} yahoo {dot} com so if you blog email me, we can diablog (email, snail mail) or dialogue (phone, Skype, etc.) anytime.

Whether you are an old friend, or a new online visitor, you can always email me if you're dying of curiosity over whether I'm well enough to play tennis, have resumed blogging elsewhere, or eaten my millionth olive. Many thanks for your prayers and encouragement!

I would like to end this time in the blogosphere as I began, by saying that I am increasingly in awe of God. The more I get to know him, the more amazed I am at who he is and his ability to recycle bad stuff into good.

People and circumstances continually disappoint me, but God assures me that learning to face difficulties builds endurance, and endurance builds character and a hope which does not disappoint (Rms. 5:3-5). I have so much to more to learn, and I am thankful for his promise to be with me and make all things beautiful in his time.

Along these lines, this morning I was encouraged by Joni:

Gaining contentment does not mean losing sorrow or saying goodbye to discomfort. Contentment means sacrificing itchy cravings to gain a settled soul. You give up one thing for another. It's hard. Hard, but sweet. You are "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing." You "have nothing, yet possess everything." First Timothy 6:6 says, "Godliness with contentment is great gain" and the gain always comes through loss.

No wonder contentment requires enormous strength!

Jeremiah Burroughs writes, [A Christian] is the most contented man in the world and yet the most unsatisfied man in the world; these two together must needs be mysterious....He is contented if he has but a crust, but bread and water...yet if God should give unto him Kingdoms and Empires, all the world to rule...he should not be satisfied with that. A soul that is capable of God can be filled with nothing else but God.

-When God Weeps: why our sufferings matter to the Almighty, Joni Eareckson Tada & Steven Estes, p.175

Back to Sac

Yesterday I had an early morning appointment with Dr. Right, then mom drove me to Sacramento to stay with my brother and sister-in-law while she is away on a trip. I'll be here most of the week.

I've been staying at my parents since before Thanksgiving, so it's a good chance to be back in Sacramento and add some more winter clothes to my mobile wardrobe suitcase. The weatherman mentioned snow for this weekend, and I hope it's a promise. January and February tend to be the coldest months in these parts, so this weekend would be our first snow for the winter.

My other hope for this week is that I'll be able to manage the four day stretch between appointments without too much pain or difficulty walking. Last time I came to Sacramento for a break, things got really bad so I haven't tried that again for a while. I usually see the doctor every other day, sometimes every day, so weekends are hard, and without Saturday appointments the three-day weekends for Christmas and New Year's would have been even worse.

These four days will be a trade-off in many ways, not to mention there are no olive trees in sight, but my cell phone gets reception.

Update:
I did make it through the four days better than last time, but the pain and difficulty was still enough not to try that again anytime soon. And it didn't snow, but it is below freezing so I'm thankful to have my scarves and gloves, etc. now.

A Time for Ants

There once was a tiny colony of ants which was given the job of moving a huge pile of sand to a place called Pesever.

A simple task with simple rules:

1. Move only one grain of sand at a time.
2. During transportation, take three steps forward and two steps back.

The progress was slow, very slow. But their steady work ethic eventually won the day. In time, the fame of the Pesever ants spread across the English speaking world and that is how it came about that anyone given a long, drawn out task knows they need perseverance.

To save you an etymological dash to the Oxford English Dictionary, the above tale is my own creation.

In some ways my health is like the task. The progress is slow but steady in it's three steps forward-two back way, and I need a lot of Persever ants. While every day and every grain is important to the outcome, the reporting may seem a bit repetitious when the change in landscape is barely visible to an onlooker. Progress. Doctor's appointments. Relapse. Recovery. Physical therapy. Relapse. Recovery. Months more expected. Outcome uncertain. Hope.

So, enough of chatting about that for now. Unless I blog otherwise, ya can assume progress is being made moving those grains of sand...and pray for a few months worth of Persever ants.

Things to Seek

Whether into New Year's resolutions or not, well-mediated or unconsciously thought, we all have something at the top of our wish list for 2007.

I've already chosen my focus for the year, but am still in the middle of a discussion about what would top the biblical Gimme First list. The Bible warns us against wanting certain things, commends us for going after others, and exhorts us to seek [?] more than anything else.

But what exactly is it that believers are to desire first and foremost?

Here are the current contenders under discussion. Your comments and nominations, welcome.

Love God/Love
"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' Matthew 22:36-39

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Kingdom of God
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things [what to eat, drink, and wear] will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33

Faith
And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:6

Wisdom
Take my instruction instead of silver, and knowledge rather than choice gold; for wisdom is better than jewels, and all that you may desire cannot compare with her. Proverbs 8:10, 11

The discerning person looks to wisdom, but the eyes of a fool to the ends of the earth. Proverbs 17:24

Martyn: Two Quotes

I've mentioned how much I enjoy a good quote. A friend sent me one this week by Henry Martyn which both encouraged and challenged me.

Whether life or death be mine, may Christ be magnified in me! If he has work for me to do, I cannot die." - Henry Martyn

Curious as to what age he had died, I found a biographical sketch online.

Apparently, Martyn put his faith in God in 1800, and served him for twelve years. After graduating from Cambridge, he left for India in 1805 and died in 1812 at the age of 31.

Twelve years of faith, and it left a legacy. Some work God had for him to do...and some faith!

But I don't suppose Martyn's idea of magnifying Christ was to reflect him like any flawless portrait of a serene Christ back lit with a soft yellow glow, but the Christ among the poor and needy, the Christ with dirty feet from walking miles, the Christ who got tired...and got down on his knees and prayed to the Father for long hours.

No doubt Martyn fought his daily battles and heartaches (including leaving his love in England), yet Christ was reflected in him. Magnifying Christ is not some ethereal experience which only certain privileged individuals achieve if voted unanimously by historians. Magnifying Christ takes place when God is reflected by how everyday people meet everyday struggles one day at a time. One difficult day well lived after another becomes a life well lived, and a legacy.

Martyn died in 1812 at Tokat in Armenia at the age of 31. He had been a chaplain in the East India Company serving at Dinapore and Cawnpore and had in under five years translated the New Testament into Urdu (then called Hindoostani) and Persian, and supervised its translation into Arabic.

He came up to St John's College, Cambridge just 200 years ago in 1797 and was Senior Wrangler (first in his year in Mathematics) in 1801 and later winner of a Latin prize. He wrote in his journal, "I obtained my highest wishes but was surprised to find I had grasped a shadow."

This experience with academic success may have felt like grasping a shadow, but his abilities helped him be a light to the nations as can be seen in the legacy attributed to him.

Martyn’s legacy is three-fold:
1. translations of the Scriptures ~ foundations for future missions
2. inspiring life and work ~ foundations for missionary vocations
3. stimulating scholarship ~ foundations for the study of mission and world Christianity

Source: Henry Martyn Centre

Reality Check: 2006

It's New Year's Eve day (already!?), so my countdown will be short and sweet.

Looking back over the year it would be easy to remember one difficulty after another and drown in my tears. I don't have what I wanted.

Last summer's reality check was about the best of times and the worst of times happening at the same time. This one is about the worst times leading to the best things. If God is good, wise, and sovereign, is it possible that he's given me something preferable? That it would be better to want what I have?

I already know my answer without thinking. Yes. I wouldn't trade this year for anything. It has been by far the best year of my life. It also saddens me beyond words. It's the year Paul's statement sorrowful, yet always rejoicing (2 Cor. 6:10) resonated with me. Unlike Paul, my rejoicing is not always, but more like more or less and kinda almost and trying.

This countdown is to remember what I have to rejoice about, and why I want what I have. The narrow and difficult road is also the pathway to joy. I won't recall the rocks in the road so much as where they lead when I see things from God's perspective.

7. My losses are not signs of God's abandonment, but of him welcoming me nearer. I love God and enjoy him a lot more now that I've gotten to know him better.

He is not all we would ask for (if we were honest), but it is precisely when we do not have what we would ask for, and only then, that we can clearly perceive His all-sufficiency. It is when the sea is moonless that the Lord has become my light. Elizabeth Elliot

6. Studying at TMF (The Master's Feet) is the most difficult and rewarding education there is. I'd like to be a perpetual student there.

5. A lot of the Bible makes a lot more sense to me. This year's experiences have made many spiritual truths in the Old and New Testament more meaningful to me, not to mention the plight of the woman who suffered at the hands of many doctors (Mark 5:25), and the devotion of the paralytic's four friends lowering him through the roof (Mark 2:3).

4. The more my faith grows, the more my faith grows. It's anything but a vicious cycle. I know that faith can move mountains, but it could not remove Paul's thorn in the flesh since it was there to accomplish God's purposes. Difficulties have grown my faith, and it's been worth it.

3. My heart goes out to those who suffer without any of God's comfort. So many people around the world endure difficulties without the hope and joy found with God, and I'm aware of that in a new way. God's Word and presence have truly encouraged and given me hope like nothing else, and I want that for them, too. God has cultivated my compassion through difficult experiences.

2. Identifying with Christ is the best solution to an identity crisis. What I've lost in worldly status and abilities I've found even better identifying with Christ. He is my role model in everything...suffering, handling loss, and allowing the Father to assess his value and define his life on earth. Difficulties have strengthened my desire to follow Christ.

1. Good friends make for good memories, even in the deepest valleys of life. I am so thankful for the friendships which the difficult times have made even deeper and more precious to me. The love, humor, and encouragement of friends is the last, but not by any means, least, reason why I treasure this year!

Wishing you a great New Year Eve's celebration, and much joy in 2007!

Countdown to 2007

There are only three things difficult about my life right now.

1. Doctor's appointments
2. Coping with my health between doctor's appointments
3. The losses I've experienced because of #1 and #2

Only three, but I still grouch and complain. In fact, I could do a bit of grousing right here and now without a warm up. Problem is, it'd be only half the truth.

Truth is quite the pity party crasher. The truth is that whether I list the difficulties of my life as three or three thousand, they also happen to be the gateway to everything worthwhile in life. That doesn't leave me much room for grousing, does it? Can I at least grouse about the effort it takes to not grouse?!

Anyway, I need another reality check, so I want to countdown to New Year's Eve thinking about the value of my difficulties and remembering the best of 2006. It'll be a party with no room for pity if I ask God to decorate it from his perspective.

Party crashers welcome. Post comments or links to share what you'd like to remember about this year.

Immanuel

This Christmas season I appreciate more than ever the name and notion of Immanuel, Hebrew for God with us. The many challenges of this year have grown my confidence in who God is and his promises to me. It is because of his presence in my life that I can rejoice and be more thankful at the end of this rough year than at its beginning, though the battle to walk faithfully continues to be a daily struggle.

My thanks to all of you who through this blog and otherwise helped me grow in my faith and keep perspective. I'm glad our paths have crossed, it encourages me not to lose heart. Your comments and emails mean a lot. Thanks for all the laughs, and good memories, too.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas! May God's presence be felt and his purposes be accomplished in the New Year!

My Amazing Race

After having a nice lunch with my mom and brother, I sandwiched in an appointment with Dr. Right before buying one final Christmas present. That's an understatement, really, unless I add that it was a super-sized sandwich.

My appointments typically run longer than the average patient's because my muscular skeletal issues don't come in a neat little box tied with a bow. Today I was delighted to walk out of the office after a shorter than usual torture session. I felt like I'd re-entered the human race, able to make plans and then keep them. Instead, I shortly discovered I was still entered in my medical version of the The Amazing Race.

God is the amazing part, as he always is doing something nice for me. This time it was allowing a mishap to occur in time for me to go back and have Dr. Right fix it before the long weekend. He ingeniously resolved my problems after seeing his other patients. I am so deeply thankful to him for saving my neck, and to God for providing this Intersection.

My faith is the race part, as I once again was reminded that my plans for the moment or a lifetime begin and end with God. It is quite a change of lifestyle to not be able to make plans week, day or even hour in advance without adding the caveat they are contingent on my health. I've been living this way for almost a year now, and it still takes getting used to. But I can see how it is good for my soul, the medical Roadblocks and Detours are (hopefully) training me to have a heightened awareness of everything being contingent on the one who designed time itself.

I don't know how long health will require me to spend several hours each week at the doctor's, but I do trust that God plans my steps and the Pitstops along this arduous adventure. He will not give me more than he also makes possible to endure. Though the tasks are demanding, the perks are so good, and the prize so promising, that I want to always be in his amazing race.

Milestones

And to think that I had hoped to post everyday this month. I thought it wouldn't be hard to aim for 200 words a day, just a challenge to keep the creative juices flowing. But my health beat out blogging for first dibs on giving me the Challenge of the Month. So instead, my creative outlet has been adapting to a higher frequency of appointments with Dr. Right and coping with arm and shoulder pain and without a laptop (given how I've been feeling).

When your job is your health and it's all consuming, taking breaks is important. Surfing channels has taken the place of surfing the web, which means that this week marks a turning point in my life. I can now say that I understand the finer points of Wheel of Fortune, and those make-ya or break-ya slots on the wheel. Oh, yeah.

I've also decided that the various T.V. shows which encourage audience participation and text voting are a conspiracy. They are funded by politicians in order to instill voting empowerment in the next generation in the hopes that more Americans will transition that thrill to the polls at election time. Or is it having the opposite effect? Hmmm.

Actually, I'm neither into text voting nor conspiracy theories, but I do like milestones. Although the nature of my health problems are ups and downs by the hour or day, like a hiker climbing up and down steep hills to follow a trail, I am making progress. It's been a steep climb lately, and I don't know how many more hills and valleys there are to work through before I'm outta the woods. One milestone I hope to reach by the end of this month is I'd like to add cooking back into my repertoire of activities. Like the rest of the world I'm counting down the days 'til December 25th, but I also keep glancing at the calendar with hopes that 2006 will see my fingers can creating on something more than a laptop, like, say, a stovetop.

Essential Bones

With having the right bones in the right places these days making such a huge difference in how well I'm able to function, discovering this quote recently made me laugh.

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. —Reba McEntire

The good news is that my backbone has straightened out enough that Dr. Right is now able to address the pain and problems in my arms and shoulders.

The bad news is that means they are having some down days as the muscles, bones, and fascia negotiate a new peace treaty. In addition to making writing more difficult, interestingly enough this also means that I am paying someone to, uh..well, to twist my arm(s).

A Prayer of Freedom

These days it's been endless rounds of not feeling well, appointments with Dr. Right, and exhaustion as my musculoskeletal system renegotiates how it functions. There are good signs of progress, but I'm weary.

I'm too tired to come up with something funny or deep or anything much except to post this prayer a friend sent me. It reminds me that of all the things which tire me, some of them I need to become even more tired of wanting and desire instead to invest in being and doing what is good.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Gal. 6:9

Whether I am weary from doing good, or worn out from burdens I need to be free from, I'm so thankful there is a perfect place of rest open 24/7.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matt. 11:28

I'm also thankful there is more to this life than the physical, tangible elements. My body may be quite limited in what it can do, but there is freedom for my soul.

The Prayer of Freedom

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, hear me.

Deliver me, Jesus,
from the desire of being loved,
from the desire of being extolled,
from the desire of being honored,
from the desire of being praised,
from the desire of being preferred to others,
from the desire of being consulted,
from the desire of being approved,
from the fear of being humiliated,
from the fear of being despised,
from the fear of suffering rebuke,
from the fear of being forgotten,
from the fear of being wronged,
from the fear of being suspected.

And, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire that others might be loved more than I, that others might be esteemed more than I, that in the opinion of the world others may increase and I may decrease, that others may be chosen, and I set aside, that others may be praised and I unnoticed, that others may be preferred to me in everything, that others may become holier than I, provided that I become as holy as I should.

Things Which Do Not Grow on Olive Trees

After spending a record number of hours being tortured doing experiential research on contentment this week, I want to take a break and think about something light and green and yummy. Olives.

There is much which can be said about olives, and for that matter, asked. Certain questions which come up again and again center around what exactly does or does not grow on olive trees.

SPOILER WARNING
I am often asked if my family grows green olives or black. Like the scout master who taking his boy scouts on a field trip to the countryside where they found a couple of milk bottles and exclaimed, Look, a cow's nest!, I try to find a way to break the news gently.

All olives start out green on the trees. As they mature and become ready for harvest, they turn a straw color of green. If left on the tree past harvest time, they turn purplish black and can be used for olive oil, or in some countries are cured in salt and eaten. But as far as those black pitted olives used on pizza go, they were picked green and became black during the curing process.

Another common question is how the pimento gets into the green olives. Ah, yes, the pimento. I nod sagely and try to resist every temptation to respond that they grow that way unless I'm sure they'll get the joke. I know I've miscalculated when an awed look spreads over their face. So, I carefully explain that the seed is punched out, the pepper stuffed in, and wonder if I should add for good measure that olives stuffed with garlic, or almonds, are made the same way?

Much as I love olives, only once in my entire life have I ever eaten an olive off the tree. I was a little girl, and I can almost taste the bitterness just thinking about it now. Olives are very delicious (and nutritious), but only after going through a process referred to as curing. There are many flavors of olives because just as there are many kinds of apples, and diverse ways of preparing them, there are many kinds of olives and various ways of curing them. If you wrote off olives long ago, there may be countless other kinds you'll fall in love with (try Kalamatas).

Yes, olives grow on trees, but as it happens, tasty ones, black-stick'em-on-ya-finger ones, and ones stuffed with pimentos do not grow that way. Olives stuffed with garlic are not a hybrid, and to clarify in advance, #4 below is a joke.

END OF SPOILER

Things which grow on olive trees:


1. Olives
2. Olive green leaves
3. Olive branches
4. Olive farmer kids